My Life

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Looking for my birth certificate, came across a journal I started in 2002.  Amazing how nothing has changed.  In 2008, I had been ill for eleven years.  Here’s what I wrote:  “It’s always the same hopelessness, the same lethargy, the same fatigue, mental and physical.  I’d like to have energy, I’d like to do things, but I don’t. am still, after eleven years of being sick, just trying to get through each day.  JIust get through today.  Get up, survive, go to bed, can’t sleep, can’t wake up, drag myself out of bed and start all over again struggling to get through today.”  Not much has changed in these past eight years.  Every day is still a struggle with pain and fatigue and wanting and not being able to do things.  I have more ‘good’ days than I did for awhile there, but they are still few and far between.  One thing that has changed, I guess, is that I was constantly blaming myself, calling myself lazy, useless, etc.  Then I read something about the illness, and the degrees, and realized that it’s not just me, and I have a rather severe form anyway.  Life is hard, made harder by illness or disability.  I think it’s a bit harder when it’s an invisible illness, because not only do you continually feel like you have to explain or make excuses, people tend to look at you like you’re just literally making excuses for being a lazy good-for-nothing slob.  I hate that explaining, so people don’t think that about me, but I’m never sure if they believe me or not anyway.  It’s just a really difficult mess to be in, and yes, I know, a lot of people have it a lot worse, but that does not invalidate my struggle.  Comparison-shaming is just no.  So done whining, I guess.  Wanted to get out my little tree and put it up, want to have some Christmas vibe going on, but the best I can do is Christmas music videos.  Yay.  Living alone when you’re ill is hard.  Now I’m really done whining.  🙂

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One thought on “My Life

  1. I haven’t written in my journal consistently for over a year now, I guess, for the same reason. Same shit, different day.

    THIS: “yes, I know, a lot of people have it a lot worse, but that does not invalidate my struggle.” So much this.

    Love…

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