I have been struggling, I admit it. Been circling the ‘rabbit hole’ as my friend Tess calls it. For the first time since I became ill with whatever it is I have, I feel like there is no hope for ever getting better. I’ve never felt this discouraged before. I no longer have the occasional ‘good’ day, I have the rare ‘good’ moment. Never pain-free, but sometimes the pain level is low enough that I can actually get something done, like cook something simple. Something involving little or not prep, and never including the clean-up afterwards. You can only take so many Excedrin and/or ibuprofen without causing serious side-effects, and they don’t always lessen the pain anyway. And they never make me pain-free. Never. I am in pain before I’ve even moved after waking up. Sometimes the pain wakes me up. Sometimes the pain keeps me from getting to sleep in the first place.
Seeing the doctor on Monday, but I have no hope that he can do anything. So here I am. Made of misery, but still trying desperately to hang on and not fall into that rabbit hole. Monday both my homemaker and Tess were here, and there was a lot of fun and laughing, so it is not hopeless. It just feels like it on those days where it is just me, trying to make it to the kitchen for water to take more pills, oo-ing and ow-ing all the way. I mean the kitchen is like ten steps from where I am sitting. Seriously? This is my life? Apparently so. It’s a hard pill to swallow, but you play the hand you’re dealt, and go on. I am struggling, but I am NOT giving up. Not yet, anyway. I hope.