Came to a realization, after sleeping most of the day and NOT wanting to wake up. Part of the sleeping so much is avoiding life. Life is hard right now. I am alone. The only contact I have with other humans is twice a week through the doorway handing off lists and checks and getting groceries. Probably five minutes or less total per week. The house is actually dirty. It is never dirty, cluttered yes, dirty no. It is dirty…because I am physically incapable of doing what is needed to clean it. I have vacuumed a couple of times, but the last time was so long ago I can’t remember. I am behind on the dishes again because unloading the dishwasher is extremely painful and standing to wash by hand is almost as painful, so I tend to put it and everything else off until ‘I feel better’, which used to happen frequently, but almost never does now. My last shower was over a week ago, because there is a serious danger of falling over, even with the shower seat, so again, putting it off until I feel better. My life has never been in this disastrous a mess. Mainly because when I have been really, really bad, I have had a homemaker who came in and did everything.
I am finally going/gone stir-crazy, I think. I am lonely because I hardly ever even get an email from anyone, even my friend who would always call or email has made other friends and I have once again been left behind or forgotten.
So I am having what one of my children once called a ‘Let’s all feel sorry for mom’ day. I will get over it. I always have so far.
On a brighter not, I have finally, finally opened a window. It is 68 degrees. Time to celebrate. I had to put some Dawn down the tracks first or otherwise I would not be able to open it. They are very difficult to open and that is how I ruined my rotater cuff, so am extra cautious. I am having a deli ham salad sandwich, which is nowhere good as the ham salad I make, but food prep is not happening, and Ruffles. Isn’t the point of Ruffles to have a chip that you can dip? So why are they all either very small pieces or crumbs? This is the second bag I’ve had this year, and both the same. Another brighter side, two new eps of Sisyphus are up on Netflix. I am doing just fine without Prime during the boycott. I have a long ‘to watch’ Netflix list, and maybe 500 fan fics on my Kindle. So reading or watching, I am all set.
A brief example of life with pain. Night before last I was eating deli potato salad at 3am, again nothing like any homemade potato salad I have ever eaten, but I was eating it so I could take an Aleve without doing more damage to my stomach than the ten zillion pain pills I’ve taken have done, because I was in so much pain I just wanted to cry.
I know I get really pissed at the morons in the world, and it shows in my posts, but I always try to keep the illness ones at least a bit lighter because I never want anyone to feel sorry for me or pity me or whatever. It is what it is, and I live with it, and I still enjoy life every day. But sometimes, sometimes, I just wish I was a ‘normal’ person again and could do what I need to do, do what I want to do, just do, and one whose every single movement did not involve pain. It is never going to happen, so please be patient when I have one of these days, dear readers. I do get over it. Eventually. 🙂