What ho, readers?

indexAre there any? I have to admit, I have been feeling abandoned. Not by any readers out there, but by just everyone in general. Depression. It lives. Partly because the last Prednisone decrease brought back all the pain and un-mobility, and it is taking some time to overcome it, even though I went back to the previous dose two weeks ago. But also, because generally speaking, I really am somewhat better and not in such a fog and miasma of pain and misery, and that just makes me realize that while I was really, really non-functional, my life disappeared. I have virtually no one left who even cares if I’m dead or alive. Not totally, but mostly, everyone has just forgotten me. Or just written me off as a – lost, too much bother, not worth the effort – used to be. Feeling sorry for myself? No one else does, so who else is there? LOL Life is really, really hard sometimes, when you are sick and live alone and really have no one who sort of HAS to be there for you. You know how they say, “Home is where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in”? I have no home in that respect. At the very worst, when no one even calls to even see if I’m still alive, (One person, does. I do have one person, thank the gods for that, but not family, not friends I’ve had forever), I start to think of ways to just let it stop. Not make it stop. I don’t think I could ever go that far, but maybe just stop doing this or that that keeps me going. You know? Maybe it’s just that I’m dying of loneliness. I kind of manage to repress that most of the time, but every few years, it just hits me in the face that I am well and truly alone. I am generally very good at repressing. I am a fighter. I hate to give in, so I have learned over time to just bury all the feelings. Lately, I keep remembering something someone once said, “Oh, let’s all feel sorry for (me, it was me they were referring to)”. And now it hurts. It hurt then, but now it is in the forefront of my thoughts, for some reason. I have been dropped as a friend for being ‘too needy’, so I avoid reaching out at all costs. Avoid asking for help unless there is just no other alternative. I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me, I am not pitiful. I am just alone. Virtually all of the time. I have three hours a week of a homemaker, and one friend who comes over now and then. That’s my life. I know, this is just Jean being whiny again. No need to bother. But it does help to write it down, even with a keyboard. Sorry, readers. Go back to whatever else you were doing. It’s all fine.

16 thoughts on “What ho, readers?

  1. I’m here! Well, I’m a long way away… but still here all the same. And I do understand that isolation and loneliness are devastating – didn’t they use them as a form of torture at Guantanamo? Why should you be immune to something that’s used to break hardened fighters? That’s just being realistic, not “feeling sorry” in a pitying kind of way. I think I went through a similar thing after I left my marriage. The daily struggle and stress and just coping wasn’t so acute and suddenly, I had time to think. Maybe you need to regroup a bit… go easy on yourself… And if you’re on Facebook or Google + (or interested) you cam find me under Heidi Ruckriegel on FB and H E Ruckriegel on G+. Many of my friends are fellow writers and they always love to meet new writers (and you’re a good writer, don’t underestimate yourself!). Come and join us!

    • Wow. Thank you. You kind of made me tear up a bit. It’s good to think somebody actually understands. Sometimes it’s hard to be able to say what I’m feeling without coming across as ‘poor me’, which isn’t what I’m going for at all. Validation, isn’t that the term? Not wanting to be pitied, or ‘fixed’, just to be acknowledged as being someone who is struggling and needs to express that sometimes. I’m not sure I’m actually very good at doing that for others.
      I’m not sure I’d call myself a ‘writer’. More a ‘stream-of-conciousness kind of putting it out there’ er. I like words, I like using words, only sometimes I find it difficult to find the right ones to express my feelings about things. Other times, the words just sort of pour out with no effort at all.

      I’ve only just briefly done Facebook or google +, but I will check you out on them. Thanks again, for your quick response to my post, for your kind words, and for understanding.

      • Maybe this will make you laugh, Heidi. It did me. About three days after your comment, I was sitting on the couch reading. Gertrude the cat was next to me. Suddenly, out of nowhere, I was overcome with excitement. ‘Gertrude!’ I yelled. (Poor Gertrude, not easy living with a crazy person, is it?) Anyway, ‘Gertrude’, I yelled. ‘I’m a writer. Who knew?’ For about five minutes I was all woo hoo and all, then sanity returned and I went back to reading. Made me laugh, though.

  2. We’re all kinds of writers, mostly we just like writing, but none of us have been doing it for that long, so we’re not any kind of experts! I think we’re all like you in that we like using words – some of us to get our opinions and ideas out there, like these ones http://kermetanoia.wordpress.com/ (Ker from the Philippines) http://carycollett.wordpress.com/2014/07/19/review-human-prehistory-and-the-first-civilizations/ Cary from Brazil) http://allthingsmoocable.wordpress.com/ Leni from Canada) http://trulyjossi.blogspot.com.au/ Jossi from Kenya, http://sydneymajoko.wordpress.com/ (Sydney from South Africa) or to share our interests and passions http://canadiandirtbags.wordpress.com/2014/07/10/cow-psychology/ (Brandee from Canada) http://williamcoles.wordpress.com/2014/07/19/do-over/ (William from the US). There are others who don’t really blog but discuss things on FB or G+. Wow, didn’t realise just how many of us there are! Amazing, isn’t it? We all met on an online writers’ course, with other people drifting in later on, too. I love being in touch with so many people from all over the world. Believe me, living on an island can be a bit isolated, too…

    Anyway, enjoy checking out the blogs and contributing if you want. We have an idea of starting off an online international magazine type thing, but that hasn’t got quite off the ground yet. Everything’s a work in progress!

      • You’re not doing it wrong, I just tried it from Richard’s laptop. Seems they think nothing I said since then is worth showing, haha! It could also be that a lot of stuff is discussions on other people’s threads. The mysteries of G+.

        • You mean it’s not me? LOL I tried plus when it first came out, and I hated it. All that scrolling, and for what? Then anybody could get it on it, even people I did not want in my life, so I decided it wasn’t for me. Same with Facebook. Tried it, was tagged by someone, did not like the idea that other people could put things on MY page, so again, not for me. I don’t even like twitter. Always makes me think of Rawhide, “Keep scrolling, scrolling, scrolling, though it’s more like trolling…” Yes, I am up waaaay too early today. I do like Tumblr, but only because I can block the ten million posts someone I follow posts about David Bowie. Or innumerable posts about the iPhone. I don’t have an iPhone. I don’t care. Just post the stuff I’M interested in, people. πŸ˜‰

          • The other reason you can’t see other stuff must be because it was posted “private”, so only friends can see it, so there is some privacy. On Facebook, you can also adjust settings so all and sundry can’t see your stuff – I use Facebook for everyday chat and some discussions, but not gonna put compromising pics of myself on there (actually I don’t have any…). I also message people on it, which is handy if I want to have a quick talk with somebody in a different timezone, they can reply when they’re awake. They have limitations, but they can be useful. All depends on what you want to use them for!

  3. Depression, it’s alive. There is nothing more true than that Jean. Nothing. You know, I learned over the past few months that this thing, this depression thing never goes away. It’s always there, lurking. And one of the few people who has said to me you have to make yourself know and believe that you have value is you. Funny how at the time that you said it I felt like “I’m being pitied”. But then when the vortex is a bit further away, when things are not dark, I realise that I need to fight for myself, I need to keep fighting because my friend Jean, who’s as old as dirt, lol, says I must, because I have value. I take that seriously and it took a person who’s light years away from me to tell me that.

    Doesn’t always work, but when I feel like the vortex is circling I wish I was like you. I’ve told you before, but your blog has made me realise what a fighter you are. And I wish I was like you, just to keep on fighting.

    • Come on, Syd. We don’t do pity, do we? No. That would be an insult. Seriously, sometimes we need someone objective to point out things we may know but not consciously be aware of. If you don’t fight for yourself, who will? I believe you have value, but if you don’t, it doesn’t really matter, does it? But saying it to you might give you the nudge you need to think, ‘You know, that Jean may be older than dirt, but she just might have something there.’ It’s not a bad thing, is it?

  4. Of course you’re dying of lonliness; who wouldn’t? I’m sorry I’m so far away and I don’t call; I don’t call anyone any more, so don’t take it personally. I do love you and think about you all the time, but I know that doesn’t help.

    • Yeah, it kind of doesn’t. But I know you have your own issues to cope with, so I do understand. I also know you send light, and if you lived closer, you would be part of my day-to-day life. Love you, too.

  5. Can I just say that I am here because you liked my response to Sydney’s post on Palestine and after reading all the above I want to say that we ALL need people and even if we are in the midst of a crowd we can be very, very alone.

    I am one of the crew that Heidi listed above, actually,that is to say she did NOT list me because my blog is not a blog, it is pretty much ‘a yet to be’ blog…It is coming folks, it really is! I am one of those who comment, sometimes too liberally, and discuss other people’s posts…so I guess I have some uses πŸ™‚

    I am often alone and it is hard, because I am a conversationalist, I love to express myself and I think I am finding the blogging thing difficult because half the time I am being told to shut up and the other half of the time I forget what it is to express, so if you have any advice…

    By the way I garden too and my garden is lush…if abstract, because of the conversations that go on between me and my plants…and perhaps the spiders and hoverflies, the bees and the ever present moss…and believe me…they all do answer back!

    More anon…

    • ‘a yet to be’ blog. Just think of the potential there. It can be anything. About anything. Whatever you choose it to be. How great is that?

      I tend to get wordy, too, btw. Then there are times when I just clam up and withdraw. Being alone is hard when you are a talker. I figure out things better when I talk about them. I’m lucky in that I don’t have people telling me to shut up, though. That is just unacceptable. That’s the thing about blogging, for me at least. I just say what’s on my mind. If people read it and respond, that is fantastic. Hardly anybody does, though, so really, it’s just the act of getting it out that makes a huge difference. Putting it down on paper. Typing onto the monitor. Whatever. Especially when I’m depressed. It really helps.

      Just sit down and get started, is my advice. When I first began blogging, I wasn’t sure I’d have anything to say. Boy was I wrong. I have a lot to say. Seriously a lot. Most of it is probably drivel, but so what? It’s my blog, I can say what I want. So can you. Just do it. I know I’ll be happy to read, and I’ll probably stick my nose in and comment, too. On line, you are kind of anonymous. Even if you put a lot out there about yourself, most readers don’t know you and could pass you on the street or sit next to you on the bus and never know that you’re that blogger person they so enjoy reading and commenting back and forth with. So you can pretty much say what you need to say, when you need to say it. Nobody will ever tell you to shut up, but if by chance someone does, you can block them. HA! That shuts THEM up, the jerks.

      The other thing is, I have been extremely fortunate to become friends with one or two people who have commented here, or me on their blog. People who have come to make a huge impact on my life. People I would not know existed without blogging. Maybe you’ll be one of them? Potential. It’s a good thing. I’m very pleased you chose to comment. Hope to hear more from you.

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