Oh!

woe_is_me_I have drunk way too much white wine. Two of these:

2015-11-08 16.03.02

And since I am now slightly crocked, and have had a shit day, I am asking myself, besides why is pain back, because NO! I am over Pain, damn it!, does anyone even care if I am alive or not? I spend a lot of effort (for me) signing petitions, emailing people, caring how someone is doing, and I have to ask myself, does anyone care how _I_ am doing? Does anyone ever call to say, ‘how are you? do you need anything? are you still alive?’ No. No one does. No one ever even emails to see how _I_ am. Why is that? Am I really just that awful a person? No one is beating down the door to spend time with me. I did the math. Three hours a week (spread over two days) that my homemaker is here, the occasional time my friend Tess is around, and recently, that is only because she is willing to drive me to appointments, so as the norm for me, I am alone, meaning no humans, no interaction face to face with another human, for more than 98% of my time. I do occasionally interact with a delivery person, but that’s probably ought.one per cent of my life. No, I am not feeling sorry for myself, or looking for someone to feel sorry for me (I hate that), but really wishing that maybe I had been a different kind of person, one that people wanted to know and be in the company of. I know, see, read about, people who have people who actively care about them, and I have come to terms with that fact that I am not one of those people, but sometimes, when my walls start to crumble a bit here and there, I wish I was a different person. I’m not, so I just need to get over myself, I guess.

This is what happens when you drink wine when you are not accustomed to it. Used to be, not so much anymore.

Also, started watching Leverage on Hulu Plus. Forgot how much I liked that show, before the writers ran out of ideas and it just got stupid, like everything does eventually. Watched the first ep of Stargate SG1, too. How I miss sci-fi Friday.

4 thoughts on “Oh!

  1. You’re not alone in feeling this way. I have a phone, and the only person who calls me is Himself. I’m fairly certain that if I disappeared from the internet, no one would miss me. Also, I’m either at home or at work. Period. Or the grocery store, but you get the jist. I think I’m just a hermit at heart.

  2. I’m too far away… but no, none of us know how you really feel. Stay away from that wine – I swear I got drunk on ONE glass the other night. Just one. At least that makes getting drunk pretty cheap. I just go silly and then straight to sleep, bypass all the other stages.

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