The last bit, especially.
Following the funeral riot
The Washington Post reported
that an unnamed prisoner in police custody
claimed that Freddie Gray’s nearly severed spine
battered face & crushed larynx
were self-inflicted injuries,
presumably so he could frame them for police brutality
by not being physically capable of accusing anyone of anything
because he crushed his own larynx.
In other news,
The Baltimore Elementary Gazette reported
“Riot Police Injure Selves By Raucously Head-Butting Inexplicable Soaring Rocks.”