Following the funeral riot

The Washington Post reported

that an unnamed prisoner in police custody

claimed that Freddie Gray’s nearly severed spine

battered face & crushed larynx

were self-inflicted injuries,

presumably so he could frame them for police brutality

by not being physically capable of accusing anyone of anything

because he crushed his own larynx.

In other news,

The Baltimore Elementary Gazette reported

“Riot Police Injure Selves By Raucously Head-Butting Inexplicable Soaring Rocks.”