I woke up depressed today. It is a beautiful day, cool and sunny and gorgeous, and I didn’t wake up til around noon because my nights keep bleeding into my days, and my days into my nights, and if left to my own normal rhythms, I’d probably never be up before 1pm. Missing half the day right there. And I’m just here. In my little prison-box of an apartment. No porch, no balcony, no deck, no access to the outside at all. I’ve only just found out that moving is probably not going to be an option, because thanks to the ‘I’ve got mine, so screw you’ government we now have in the US, there is very little money available for people like me to find a better apartment. One more suitable to my needs. I want to go out and be in the world and do things and garden and have fun and see new places, but I am just here. Alone. I really, really make a conscious effort to follow my belief that things are the way they are and if I can do something to change them, fine, but if not, learn to live with the way they are and make that the best it can be. Sometimes it’s just so hard, though. I guess I can’t always be the fighter, I can’t always keep the good attitude, sometimes I just have to say, “I want things in my life, and it’s very frustrating and it hurts that I can’t seem to make any kind of difference here.” So I stuff the feelings down and go on. Because what else can you do? Just every now and then I need to wallow, I guess. Today is the day.
On a brighter note, here’s an article about people really making a difference:
Love that article about the rainbow steps. Don’t feel bad about feeling bad, there’s nothing wrong with a bit of wallowing now and then. Is there any community gardening project near enough to join? I’m sure they could do with someone keen who can write as well!
I reckon I’d go mad in an apartment without any outside area, having lived on a 400 acre farm I need my space. I just have a suburban garden now, but any place I’m in always seems to end up as a min-farm somehow, with chickens and vegetables and compost heaps.
I grew up with gardening, and fruit trees, and chickens, then I had a garden before I became ill. It’s the thing I miss the most about my old life. All my windows face north, too, so growing things on sills isn’t on, either. I do have two Aerogardens, but neither are set up right now, and it’s really not the same as planting in dirt. I am good with dirt. 🙂
http://www.communitygarden.org/ check out their website, they look great!
Thanks for the community garden site, too. I think my town is planning on having one next year. I will look into it. Thanks again.