I’ve Been AWOL

blogging

AWOL from blogging, I know. I realized, a couple days before Christmas, that I was almost completely shut down. Repressing my feelings about Christmas. Having a hard time acknowledging no family, no friends, no chocolate croissant with morning coffee, no Yorkshire pud. No Christmas. A day like any other. I’ve gotten really good at repressing over the years. Mostly I know I am doing it on some level, but when it runs right smack dab into me, I’m always, “Oh, yeah. Doing that again.” I felt really bad at one point in my life. So bad that the only way I could think of to escape from the abject misery I was feeling was to die. I didn’t, I’m still here, and I’m happy for that, but I never want to feel like that again. So I don’t allow myself to feel. A lot. I don’t allow myself to think about certain things, remember certain things. I suppose this is bad for me. DD1 says it contributes to the fibro/cfs, but I’d still rather not ever feel that bad again.

I cooked. Yay, me. My friend Tess came over for a bit, and then I decided to make myself an actual dinner. Was tiring, and I got shaky, as I usually do when cooking, but it’s in the oven. Casserole. Cook once, eat for a few days. Yep.

It wasn’t a bad non-Christmas. I got a really cute Westie calendar and homemade carrot cake from Tess, a snowman pot with a Christmas cactus in it from my delightful homemaker Traci, and DD2 sent me these marvelous chocolate covered fruits. Oh, man, were they good. The lovely red box had apple slices, strawberries (including the biggest one I’ve ever seen), and chunks of banana, all nestled in stiff cupcake papers. All covered in hard chocolate that broke when you bit into it. Thick hard chocolate. Delicious fruit. Maybe I’ll order some for myself. I could eat that again. Just thinking about it makes me wish I had some right now!

Still no snow. Since that one snow in October, I think we’ve had three or four flakes. Period. Easier for getting out and about, but I miss snow. I’ve also had the windows open off and on, all night two nights ago. It’s December. In New England. Wonder what the rest of winter is going to be like.

I am still walking without the cane. Carefully, but still… Hoping to do whatever it takes to keep from needing the surgery. Looked up exercises, etc. and am doing a few, very gently. We’ll see.

I hope everyone out there is having a good winter/summer, depending on your side of the equator. I still can’t get my mind around Christmas in the summertime. I’m going to attempt to be more regular with blogging, but some feedback would be nice. I know you’re out there, people.

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