Had a couple of not-great days, building up to a massive laying on the couch moaning and groaning crappy pain day yesterday, where I mostly tried to sleep through it. Much better today. Trying to get things done, but much slower than last week. Still a lot of pain going on. I only cut the Prednisone back 1/2 mg, not a whole mg like doctor wanted me to. Stupid doctors. Let them live with this shit.
Anyway, I was looking at something I needed to do something with, and it occurred to me that I buy things, and do things, that I don’t consciously realize I am buying/doing in order to recreate a time when I didn’t feel hopeless. When I hadn’t lost hope. But I have, and things especially are not going to fix that. I find myself thinking so what if I don’t learn a language, or download and try out the latest computer thingy, or any number of things, because it just doesn’t matter any more. So I’m thinking about this, and I realize that I have never recovered from being really ill for months on end a couple of years ago. That ‘can’t do it, it doesn’t matter anyway’ mind set has taken hold and is affecting every aspect of my life. I have my days, where I am pretty much ‘me’ but mainly not. I need to think on this, and see if I can figure out how to change my inner voice. I like me better when I’m ‘me’. Just so you know. I have a lot of days like this: